Bereavement and Grief

Grief is different for everybody. There is no right or wrong, no way they ‘should’ feel or behave. It can be chaotic and unpredictable with setbacks occurring when you think they are starting to feel better.

Grief may make people behave differently. They may feel angry, despairing, guilty or afraid. They may go into themselves in silence, rage and swear at anyone who will listen or cry endlessly. Reassure them that whatever they feel is normal. Don’t judge them or take what they say or do personally.

Grief takes as long as it takes. ‘Recovery’ from bereavement can take months or years. Don’t suggest your loved one has grieved long enough or that they should have got over it by now. Their grieving process will be longer if it isn’t allowed to run its natural course.

• Don’t be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Reaching out to someone is what’s important. They are already feeling intense sadness; it is unlikely you will make it worse.
• You don’t need to have answers, just be there to listen, to acknowledge their feelings and let them know you care.
• Understand that everyone grieves differently.
• Offer practical help such as cooking, cleaning, shopping, help with childcare.
• Keep up your care and support after the funeral. Their grieving process may only just be beginning after a busy time of planning and preparing the funeral.

More than anything, a bereaved person needs to feel that their loss and pain is acknowledged. It’s more important to simply listen and sympathise than to try to offer any words of wisdom or to avoid the subject for fear or causing pain.

They may move between wanting to talk about the person who has died and what happened, to wanting to talk about something else entirely, to rant and rave at you, or simply to sit in silence in your company. Just by being there, you can be a source of comfort.

How to talk—and listen—to someone who’s grieving

You could start by simply asking “Do you feel like talking about it?” Let the person you care for know that you’re there to listen if they want to talk, but don’t try and force them. If they want to, talk openly about the person who died. Don’t actively avoid saying their name or steer the conversation away. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions that give them an opportunity to express their feelings.

Acknowledge what has happened. You could say something as simple as: “I heard that your father died.” Don’t be afraid of using the ‘death’ words. Many people prefer it to ‘loss’ and ‘passed’ and it gives them a chance to talk openly without fear that they will upset you. 

Express your concern. For example: “I’m so sorry this has happened to you.”

Let them talk about how their loved one died. Talking about what has happened in detail, often again and again, is a vital stage in processing and accepting the death. The pain, and often trauma, lessons slightly with each telling and your patience will help them in the healing process.

Keep asking how they feel. Don’t assume they feel a certain way or the way you felt when something similar happened to you. Grief is intensely personal and dependent on the circumstances of the death and the nature of the relationship. 

Accept their feelings. Their feelings may also fluctuate between sadness, anger, guilt, fear or regret. Let them know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, or to feel however they feel without fear of being judged or criticised. Keep listening to whatever they’re going through.

If you don’t know what to say, tell them.  Say “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.” It’s much better than trying to offer advice or platitudes.

Be willing to sit in silence. Not everyone will want to talk. Comfort can come from simply being with another person, not feeling alone. They might appreciate eye contact, a smile, a squeeze of the hand or a hug.

Ask what you can do to help. They might appreciate help with something specific like funeral arrangements, or just be there to make a cup of tea and be a shoulder to cry on.

Things to avoid saying to someone who’s grieving

“It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry, especially if they have no religious beliefs.

“You’ve got so much to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now their grief is more important.

“They’re in a better place now.” They may or may not believe this. Don’t offer your religious or spiritual views unless asked.

“This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Moving on happens at their own pace, the process can’t be speeded up or willed to happen. This may also come across as insensitive, as if you think they should forget about their loved one.

Avoid statements that begin with “You should…” or “You will…”. There is no right or wrong way to feel or behave, and it might come across as telling people what to do. Instead you could say “Have you thought about…” or “You could try…”

People who are grieving may feel guilty about imposing on others, worry about being a burden or simply don’t have the energy to think about how other people might be able to help them.

Make things easier by offering specific help: “I’m going to the supermarket this afternoon. What can I bring you?” or “I’ve made a casserole for dinner. What time can I come over with it?”

Be consistent and keep asking. They might not want help at first but will appreciate it if you’re still asking when they do need help.

Some specific things you could help with:

• Shop for groceries or run errands
• Drop off a meal
• Help with funeral arrangements
• Help with bills
• Help with housework
• Help with childcare or the school run
• Drive them wherever they need to go
• Go with them to a support group meeting
• Go for a walk together
• Take them out somewhere
• Share an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project)

For many, the time after the funeral can be very hard. Grief is still raw but a lot of the ritual around death is over and it can feel like support ebbs away. The grieving process often lasts much longer than most people expect.

Stay in touch regularly. Pop round, send emails, texts, letters or cards. Let the person know you are still there for them, that their grief is still important.

Don’t assume they are okay. They may look fine on the outside and say they’re okay, but inside they may be suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This will make it harder for them to share their true feelings.

Their pain may never go away. Life has changed forever for them. The pain may lesson over the long-term, but the sadness will probably never go away. Be sensitive to the fact that they won’t ‘get over’ it.

Offer extra support on meaningful days. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays and anniversaries can be difficult times that reawaken grief. Be sensitive, help them to mark the occasion if they want to and let them know that you’re there.

If feelings of sadness don’t start to fade over time, or they get worse, it may be a sign that the normal grieving process has become something more serious such as clinical depression.

If you see any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving stage – especially if its been over six months since the death – encourage them to seek professional help:

• Difficulty functioning in daily life
• Extreme focus on the death
• Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Inability to enjoy life
• Hallucinations
• Withdrawing from others
• Constant feelings of hopelessness
• Talking about dying or suicide