Domestic abuse

Arguments and disagreements with partners and family members are a normal part of life. We all do things that cause unhappiness to the people we care about and that we regret. It is when this behaviour happens regularly and forms a consistent pattern that it can be a sign of domestic abuse.

If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, there is help available.

Ask yourself:

• Have you ever felt afraid of your partner or former partner?
• Have you ever changed your behaviour because you’re afraid of what your partner, or former partner, might do?

Emotional abuse

Does your partner, or former partner, ever:

• put you down or belittle you?
• deny that abuse is happening, or play it down?
• blame you for the abuse or arguments?
• stop you going to college or work?
• isolate you from your family and friends?
• make unreasonable demands for your attention?
• accuse you of flirting or having affairs?
• try to tell you what to wear, who to see, where to go, what to do and think?
• control your money or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?

Threats and intimidation

Does your partner, or former partner, ever:

• read your emails, texts or letters?
• harass or follow you?
• destroy things that belong to you?
• stand over you, invade your personal space?
• threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to kill themselves or the children?

Physical abuse

Does your partner, or former partner, ever:

• throw things?
• slap, hit or punch you?
• push or shove you?
• bite or kick you?
• burn you?
• choke you or hold you down?

Sexual abuse

Remember, sexual abuse can happen to anyone, whatever their sex or sexual orientation.

Does your partner, or former partner, ever:

• make unwanted sexual demands?
• pressure you to have sex?
• hurt you during sex?
• touch you in a way you don’t want to be touched?
• pressure you to have unsafe sex – for example, not using a condom?

If your partner, or former partner, has sex with you when you don’t want to, this is rape.

Coercive control is often a pattern of behaviour and acts. This can be threats, humiliation, intimidation and assaults intended to harm, punish or frighten the victim and make them dependent on the perpetrator. 

How do you know if this is happening to you?

Some common examples of coercive controlling behaviour are:

• Isolating you from friends and family
• Repeatedly putting you down – saying you’re useless, ugly, no-one else would put up with you
• Humiliating or degrading you
• Controlling your finances
• Making threats or being intimidating
• Monitoring how you spend your time
• Monitoring or tracking your movements via online communication tools or spyware
• Taking control of your everyday life – where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
• Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
• Stopping you accessing support services, such as healthcare

Financial abuse is an aspect of coercive control and doesn’t usually happen in isolation. Abusers use other abusive behaviour to reinforce the financial abuse.

Financial abuse can include:

• Depriving you of money for basic living essentials such as food and clothing.
• Stopping you accessing your own bank accounts so you have no independent income.
• Making you responsible for debts built up by your abusive partner.
• Depriving you of child maintenance money – this can happen even after an abusive partner has left the home.

Financial abuse is often designed to prevent you having the means to escape the abusive relationship. Many people feel that they have no choice but to stay with an abusive partner. The longer they stay, the more dangerous the situation becomes as abuse often escalates.

Financial abuse doesn’t rely on being in the home, so can continue after separation. The abused partner is often left in debt and lacks the financial security to rebuild their life after leaving.

Stalking is when a person becomes obsessed with or fixated on another person.

The stalker may be someone you know or a complete stranger. Their behaviour may make you feel pestered, anxious, harassed or scared. It is a persistent pattern of unwanted attention such as:

• repeatedly following you or spying on you
• making unwanted communication with you
• regularly giving you unwanted gifts
• damage to your property
• threatening you

Individual behaviours and acts may seem trivial, but taken together they form a consistent pattern of behaviour that is frightening and upsetting.

Stalking is a criminal offence. If you report it to the police they will take it seriously.

We sometimes try to hide what is going on from children to try and protect them, but this can leave them feeling powerless, scared, confused and angry.

Do talk to your children – and listen to them. Do this in an age-appropriate way. Most children will be glad to have the opportunity to acknowledge the abuse and to talk about what they are feeling.

Try to be honest about the situation – without frightening them. ­Remember, your children will naturally trust you – try not to break that trust by lying to them.

Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault and that they are not responsible for the adult behaviours they are experiencing.

Explain that abuse is wrong and that it does not solve problems.

Encourage your children to talk about their hopes and feelings. You could do an activity together where you have the opportunity to talk. You could encourage them to draw or write about what is happening and how they feel about it. Teachers may be able to help you.

Give them time and space. Children will often wait until they feel safe and are out of the abusive environment before they start to open up about their feelings.

Teach them how to get emergency help. Show them how to dial 999 and what to say. Make sure they know they are not responsible for protecting you if you are being attacked.

Boost their self-esteem. Regular praise, attention and affection will help them to cope with the situation.

Ask for help. By asking for help yourself you show your child that it is nothing to be ashamed of and that you cannot be expected to cope alone.

Talk about the what will happen if you leave your abusive partner. You may think it is better for your children if you try to keep the family together, but children will feel more safe and secure living with one parent in a stable environment than with two parents in an unstable and abusive environment.

If you are in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the police.

If you are in danger and unable to talk on the phone, call 999 and listen to the questions from the operator and if possible, respond by coughing or tapping the head set.

Call 999 from a mobile

If prompted, press 55 and this will transfer your call to the police.

Pressing 55 only works on mobiles and does not allow police to track your location.

Call 999 from a landline

If only background noise can be heard and operators cannot decide whether an emergency service is needed, then you will be connected to a police call handler.

If you replace the handset, the landline may remain connected for 45 seconds in case you pick up again.

When 999 calls are made from landlines, information about your location should be automatically available to the call handlers to help provide a response.

If you are deaf or can’t communicate verbally

You can register with the emergencySMS service. Text REGISTER to 999. You will get a text which tells you what to do next. Do this when it is safe so you can text when you are in danger.